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Saturday, December 30, 2006

The Aidil Adha Entry

hi people.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha to all my muslim friends.

I'm not going back to Perak this Raya Haji. I'm not sure why. Haven't really ask Mama about it. I think it's because Along's coming home for Raya. But she's not gonna be here until Tuesday. I don't wanna ask her why she's coming on Tuesday when the holidays had started today. I'm sure she had an arguement with her husband about this. I know she really wants to be at home for Hari Raya, with us. This thing had happened before last Aidilfitri. I feel sorry for her. But there's nothing she can do about it, really. She has to follow her husband. But from my opinion, her husband should have a little courtesy or mercy for her. He has to understand that she doesn't get to see us everyday. I wish i won't marry that type of guy. Luckily Jashar is nothing like him.

So this Hari Raya I'm staying at home. And the Surau starts the Aidil Adha prayer at 8.00 am. Damn. really need to get up early. Himself is visiting tomorrow for Hari Raya.

I'm tired. But i couldn't really sleep. Maybe iron my baju kurung for tomorrow and read some mags. But I really had a fabulous weekend partying at Velocity. With my dearest himself. So I'm beginning to enjoy and like his music genre.

Tomorrow marks the end 2006. oh yes... There are a few more things that i need to tick as DONE in my list of things to do... *GRIN*

Drive safe to those going balik kampung.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

To Jashar Hamzah, with love.

Just so you know, despite the differences that we had in the past one year, you are still, had been, and will always be that special person in my life. Now that we’re back together, I hope we’ll help each other to become a better person.

I hope in the years to come, we’ll live a better life, facing all the circumstances that life has for the both of us, together.

Loving you was something I would never stop doing, for I know, we’re really meant to be. I want to be with you for the rest of my life, and I wait for the day when we unite as one.

I’m happy being with you, and I never regret the moment I said to you that I have faith in you.

The supposed to be end of the year entry

It’s the 13th day of December in the year 2006. And that makes it 18 days to 2007.

2007… Oh yeah I have my resolutions ready for next year, except that I don’t want to call it resolution, simply because that’s going to sound a little bit too cliché.
So I’m going to call it “the things that I want to achieve” (or at least try to achieve) in 2007.

From getting the perfect job that fits my ‘description’ of a cool job (high pay, fabulous ambience, cool colleagues, and cool bosses), to being the wonderful person in the whole wide world.
Right. That’s about it where I stop. The rest of it, please patiently wait for my numero uno entry for 2007.

Now let’s talk about 2006. My 2006 was filled with so many things. Too many things happened …From getting caught doing something at our apartment balcony (CRAZY), to being hurt emotionally, to having the best time in my life with the best of friends, to getting back the one true love I ever had.. And sometimes, some things I don’t even want to remember…

But there are a lot of things that I have (had) achieved. Ask Azera, we both have our very own list of ‘things to do’. Things that we want to try, so that one day, when people talk about it, we can say “Owh, we’ve tried that,” (But babe, I’m ahead of you at one thing… you’re not gonna believe what I just crossed out as done in my list. *GRIN*. Seriously, you’re not going to believe it).

But there’s one thing that me and Zerr have always wanted to do, as long as I can remember, and that is.., to put somebody in a bag, and push him/her down the stairs. Any volunteers?

2006 had witnessed so many things… The biggest was to see me evolved from a student, to graduating, and now to a woman, or I’d rather say, young lady, with a professional career. It’s not exactly my definition of a cool job but this will do, for the time being (I supposed.). But I’m still waiting for that once in a lifetime opening of being appointed the coolest job there ever is. Preferably with the highest pay they could pay the fresh-graduates. (Yeah, Dream on…)

I wish 2007 will be less cruel to me, just so I can live a peaceful life with himself, and my best friends, and the rest of my beautiful family. And hopefully 2007 again will be filled with memorable events that will forever remain in my mind. And I’m wishing for something HUGE to happen at the end of 2007 (My Dearest Jashar Hamzah, this is a hint for you, *WINK*)

But then again, it’s not the end of 2006 just yet! So, let me browse through my list of things to do again, and see if there’s anything I can do or try just before the year ends!

Wish me luck! ;p

Monday, November 27, 2006

When cruelty strikes..YIKES

life has its own cruelty, in its own way. One day you're as happy as one can be, and the next day, before you even know it, you fell hard,head first, down to the ground, and thats when reality hit you on the face, giving you a very clear view that life, isnt always as perfect you thought it will be.

No, never, not gonna. So dream on.., if you think you can have the best of everything in the world.

If i could change one thing about my life.., and no, it's not the face, i may have imperfect face structure or whatever, but who am i to complain? God has made each one of us uniquely different from others. So, lets keep it that way, (unless you really have to..for example restructure your face, after an accident).

the one thing that i would change is, the doubts that i have, or still have. These doubts have taken their tolls on my life, my love life, and making everything hard.

As much as i hate to have doubts, i also can't help but to feel insecure,along the way, even over little things. Like having trust.

My curiosity has finally caused me such big trouble. The urge to know, and finding out has made me a very self-doubting person.And I'm scared of the situation that i myself, has created.
But i'm a very serene person. I survived the whole year keeping my feelings to myself. And this should made me brave.I should be ready for any more challenges in the years to come.. Maybe it's God's way to assess me.

So when himself got back to me, i reckon that this may be my remuneration,for keeping my cool, and taking everything tranquilly.

This is when they say "when you love somebody, let him go, if he comes back, you're meant to be"

Friday, November 3, 2006

I'm not missing you.

enjoying a cup of hot chocolate has never been better to combat this very cold ambience here at work. oh yes. i'm a chocoholic so bad that even my morning drinks have to be chocolate based.

currently playing on my wmp playlist is: I'm not Missing you.

The song that i hum almost all the time because the song is 'very' ME. I felt stronger everytime i sing or listen to this song. i even had asked j to listen to it, introducing it to him as a very 'spirit-lifting' song for broken hearts.Never been better.

I never get bored of it, and i even got it auto-repeated. Whenever i hear it, i feel like punching the heartbreaker on the face, smashing it into pieces, and thanking him for messing up my life. you mess up my life, i mess up your face.

Just when i was about to make 'I'm not missing you' as my theme song, there he came, knocking. he's been around for a while now, it's just that he hasnt exactly knock the door. And i havent exactly invited him inside. So now, he wanted to come in.

Everything's coming back to me now. Who in their right mind would forget what they've done together for the past years. I'm confused myself, part of me wants to believe he's really here to stay, and the other part is.., afraid, to learn that i might get hurt again. I have suffered enough the past one year. But i kept my spirit high.. and it paid off.

But i can really see that he's for real. He insisted to meet both my parents, and he insisted that i meet his mom.he talked about getting married,if God willing after my brother's wedding (and he's not even engaged yet!).And that will be 3 years from now.He talked about me making him happy, and able to take care of him. he said he's happy when he's with me and such.And that i've always been that special person in his life, and always will be.

His mom's thrilled with the fact that we're getting back together.

The meeting with mom and dad went really well and i really hope j got the idea of his acceptance in the family. Mom and dad are very fond of him the very minute i introduced their future son-in-law 3 years ago. I remembered mom was the one who was worried sick when j felt sick just before Ramadhan. I was by his side and mom called every other hour to get the latest update on his condition. He should know by then that he's already a part of my family.and it's best that he remained in my family.

The bond he built with mom and dad had really made me realized how special he is to me, and my family. It definitely mended this broken heart.

If you love somebody, let him go. If he comes back, the love is really yours.

..and we are officially as one.

Monday, October 23, 2006

The Selamat Hari Raya Entry

hi.. just a brief entry..

wishing all my fellow Muslim friends, a Selamat Hari Raya Aldilfitri, MAaf Zahir Batin..
Please drive carefully.. Raya would be meaningless without those people we really love, and care.
As for me, Raya would be as always as it has been, except that this year, Raya would be merrier, with Naufal.. and himself. Now that i believe we're on the right track, almost..

It's Raya eve, today. We'll start our journey back kampung after Zohor, if God willing. Nothing to look forward to at kampung, really. . Except the suasana Raya.. Maybe next year we wont balik kampung anymore, now that my family is growing....

I'm sad that we're not able to berhari raya at our new 'teratak buruk'... but still.. I'm happy that himself will come by to berhari raya... ;)

Ok.. need to get things in order.. I'll be back on Second Raya.. Will blog about it.. and post many pictures!

Bye bye for now.. ;)

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

HAWAII.. The place to be...

I was wrong about the other day. It was clearly a blue sky that day, i swear!

I always dream of being anywhere else but here.and the only one place is, HAWAII. Why? I dont have a clue. Hawaii to me is the place where I just could lay around, couldnt care less about everything around me. My freedom. And that's what I needed now. desperately.

Hawaii is where I would call my paradise. I could see myself being a part of the Aloha Spirit, strolling down the beach, listening to Aloha Music.

I would have such beautiful house, by the beach, where I can watch sunrise and sunset, everyday. I would have beautiful Hawaiian to call friends,and the beach would be the witness to my everday life.And the waves would be my everyday music.

Watching Samantha Brown uncovering Hawaii made my passion for the island deepen.How I wish I could trade places with her, and see Hawaii with my own eyes, running my fingers and bury my feet in the crystal sand. Sunbathing? not applicable for Asians like me.
I could hear Hawaii calling my name. And I look forward to seeing her in person, instead of admiring her beauty on TV.

There are a lot of other places where I want to be. But the only place that i wish to make my second home would be Hawaii, and the place to call home, is here,in Malaysia, truly Asia.

( i was in a hurry today, that i forgot to put on my mascara. i felt sooo incomplete. i mean i had eyeliner and eyeshadow on, and mascara should top it off! hishhhhhh)

Friday, October 13, 2006

Just when you think it's gonna haze forever...

The skies are blue again!

Hello there my beautiful people. =)

It's 1.25pm , and according to the clock up on my office's wall it's only.. ahh wait.. it's been fixed! Good. I've been fooled by it a couple of times yesterday.

Work is getting better by the day.. Yeah i was struggling at first, cracking my head with codings that i can bearly remember, to figuring out what language to use, to interface designing. Thank God i have a bunch of helpful team that can really work with me.

And my programming skill is getting sooo much better. This is when i want to rewind everything, go back to college, redo my fyp (without having someone else to do it, and pay him, huh) , get the panels to drop their jaws when they see my system ( and say; "She did that all by herself? She must be kidding me!"), and get an awesome 4.00 for it. There you go!

(and so there i was..looking back and regretted that i didnt take lab sessions seriously, seriously )

The system i'm currently working on is almost at completion level. So bole relax a bit la. Haizar was quite surprised to learn the progress of my system development and he just had to say ; "Woa Norul! Relax... " . But you know what? i'm kinda liking my job now. So loving it. Azera, i know, you must be saying i'm crazy.

(and so here i am, chilling and browsing.. with no coffee to sip!)

I received an email from a Nicholas Khoo regarding a Tunku's Kitchen Contest. I thought it was a spam. I dont even remember entering any contest! But when i read thru it, i remembered clearly that day, when i was just trying my luck.. And so i won! .. hahaha.. I have to go to Menara Star to collect the cooking book (oh yeah it's a cooking book, and it's good for cooking practise.)

I was browsing through the internet when i saw today's headline about the Cory Lidle's Plane Crash. Another nightmare revisited. And the US was quick to think it was another terrorist attack. It is sad to learn that you die doing the things you love doing, or should you be proud of it? I dont know. What's more sad is that the things that you love doing cost you your life.

Another headline.

What do you get when you marry a pastry chef? The answer is : A Creampuff Wedding Gown. (edible)

It's cool to be able to make delicious pastries, especially creampuffs. But to make a dress out of it, it must have taken a huge amount of patience! it took this guy 2 months to complete it, with 1500 creampuffs and weighing 20 pounds. (wait, how heavy is 20 pound).
And the bride was embarassed at first. ( i thot so..) but hey, it's something not just anyone would do for you! it's the love of your life! Appreciate, please! . ( i would wear it though if the love of my life made it for me) .

and that got me thinking.. if you marry a carpenter, what would he make you? hehehhehhe...

*Whoops* There goes my tummy playing the musics j has in his playlist. hehehehe

WIFY's coming out of the workshop today. Poor thing, sakit gigi. I've been negleting her for a while. And havent been driving her around. Will do so next week. I'm going House-Hunting.
Oh yeah..and we're getting the latest addition to the family's cars tomorrow! Finally. Man i cant wait to cruise around in it. Tapi kereta tu mama mesti sayang :,(

Hari Raya is in another 2 weeks. Hope my Pagi Raya wont be as bad as it was last Year.

After all, you just wont believe what just happened. And this, my friend, is what i call, KARMA. Thank you very much.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

It's all in your heart...

Work is getting more challenging... VERY challenging. but i'm getting the hang of it, all by having the past experience of working with users at Carigali. I'm beginning to like wat i'm doing (except when i'm stuck at certain codes, and i need to check back)... Seeing and watching Haizar's expertise on developing systems, has inspired me to go deeper into programming, master the techniques,methods and flow.

It's Friday nite, i'm at home, fully clothed in work attire (i just got back from visiting a sick 'friend') . Thanks Azera for lending me her Baju kurung.. She's definitely a life saver. Always been, always will. She's the friend you never want to leave.. (Azera if you're reading this.., i really mean it.. you've been there for me thru my worst and my best..you stood by me when things go wrong.. i really appreciate your good deed, and from the bottom of my heart, i just wanna say that i really love you and i hope and pray that our friendship will never die..)

This week has been a busy week for me.. I was away for outstation on Wednesday. Stayed with Haizar at Port Klang and helped him out with some errors in the system. and yesterday, J was really sick. So i went over, to jage him.. It's great to see that he's recovering... (it's the thing yang kite ikot kate hati..Azera, you'll know wat i mean) .. J is still my main priority despite wat happened between us.. I dont want to be repaid. it's something you'd do, something you'd want to do for someone you love..or still love..or will always love...

Next week start puasa.

I hope i'm tough enough to survive the North Pole.. and kelaparan... Amin.

"So bile kite nak kawin?" , " Kahwin? Sape? You and me? U nak kawin ngan i? ," "Yeah, I rase i akan kawin ngan you," Azera, i need your prediction..

Sunday, September 10, 2006

The day i turned into a morning person..

It's Monday. And i'm at work. Freezing (almost) to death. If only i cud do somethin with the air-cond. My fingers are practically numb. so does my brain. I cant think of another codes for this system i'm working on..

I sped up at photoshop interface designing this morning.. All because Haizar wanted to see 'at least' somethin by the afternoon. i managed to show him allll... (he said my design is cool..how cool is that? i mean coming by somebody whose been working with photoshop for years.. )..

To blog while at work? yeah. Unethical, isnt it.. but this is an exception to the rule.., Haizar's not around, Azani's at Dayabumi, Ihsan left a minute ago, Boss left for Kerteh, En Hamzah's missing ,Kak Shida & Kak Noni left for Carigali,.. So, tiada org sgt la... hehheheheeh

There's only Kak Nik left here, doing some administration work over at her workstation. Me, i'm at my station, practically frozen.. and counting the hours to get out of this North Pole, and go home, and eat, and sleeeeepppppppppp.. ZZzzzZZZzzZZZzzz

Having to wake up at 6am every morning has made me a Makcik, (a cool one la... stylo lagi).. heheheh...

I'm desperately in need of Dreamweaver Tutorials for dummies like MEEEEEE!!! Haizar expected that i'm good at it, but the truth is... i'm not anywhere near that.. Sumpah kebodohan tahap maksima, ok.. Right.. watever.. I'm still in my training phase, they cant blame me for not knowing how their system works.

But i'm beginning to get Haizar's trust in handling projects. He would request me to assist him, and follow him to see the client. I'm feeling he might want me to take over kak Farra's role instead of Azani and Elyana. I can smell the 'ketidak-puasan hati' from Elyana, she questioned everything from my 3-months-probation-instead-of-the-standard-6-months-period, to the pay i'm getting. But this is wat you call rezeki. Haizar personally told me that he likes the way i handle problems. and that i'm a fast learner. Its really very breathtaking to ever receive such compliment,especially when it comes from your superior.

After all, i reckon this is the place to be, for me to gain knowledge and invaluable experience.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The weekly recap

It was Abah's 54th Birthday last 26th. We surprised him with a birthday cake at 0001 hours. It's sad Nurin's not here to sing along her favorite 'Happy U'.

Abah was all sleepy and so was Mama. We distracted Abah by asking him to join us watch a movie on HBO.

He was surprised indeed. I wanted to post the pics here but Abah insisted that I rather not. 'I wasnt dressed for the surprise'. (It's a surprise, Abah. you wouldnt know it) Apparently he was in his favorite pagoda t-shirt and kain pelikat. So i posted this image instead, when we had dinner on the weekend Nurin's scheduled to leave.

Oh yeahh and finally, I got a job offer. Not exactly the ideal career, but i need to start somewhere. Gain some knowledges, and experiences, and later find a better job. Well it's the perfect job if programming is my thing. but programmings give me headache so i prefer to work with planning and management teams instead.

Abah said to me twice, "Are you up for this challenge?," and later added, " You know it's ok if you dont want to work there. You can always decline and i'm sure there are more for you,"

Actually, I dont mind taking up the challenge. I know i'll be dead tired by the end of the day, but if the job requires me to be active, why shouldn't i be? Plus it's a very good training for me. The only thing that i dragged about is the fact that i have to work on Saturday, but thinking back, it's a half day, plus i get to wander around at Suria after work. The only restriction is, having to wake up early on Saturday.

I'm sick of Petronas. I think they should change their recruitment method. And i hope i get offered by Murphy Oil. $$$ is way better than what Petronas can offer. Sick. And iPerintis too. Whats really slowing things down is that they require technical people, when i've requested to be with the management and planning team instead. No openings for me, yet. Sick.

Saturday is my convocation.

But my robe is hell huge and it didnt fit me to a tee. damn i look like those wizards in harry potter. And the mortar board is slightly bigger. Guess i have to pin it down to my head so it wont move when i have to bow. I had my graduation costume ready, already. Except that i'll be donning green when my robe is blue, so i'll be looking like a clown, but what the heck. I just need to hunt for the perfect pumps to go with it. i'm not sure how high i want it to be. i'd probably go for the 2 inches high. Just to make sure that i look tall and that will eventually camouflage the big robe. Owh yeah dont forget to get scholl's party feet!

I hope they'll throw a Graduation Party later on in the night. I seriously need to socialize.

Cant wait to start my career as an IT engineer!

Monday, August 21, 2006

The day the house became quiet, again

My little Muhammad Zahirul Naufal

it's monday. the house is very quiet. something's missing. No. Someone's missing. Make that two. Nurin and Naufal. Yes. Nurin and Naufal had left for Terengganu, leaving me in tears and sorrow.

No more "Alang, alang," when i was out of her sight . No more "Ape ni?," when she saw something on tv . No more "Sampai umah Opah yea yea," when we got home from somewhere or " Ami balik dah yea yea," when mimie came home from work. No more " Nape dik?," when Naufal cried. No more "Ane pah?," when mama asked her to get something.

No more that little voice that i looked forward to hearing everyday, for the past four weeks.

I wept on the day she left. Not that i wont be able to see her again. it's that i feel sorry for her. And Along. The way we treated Nurin was wayy different from the treatment she got in Terengganu. What ever she wanted, we listened. Who's gonna sing to her "Buai Aju-Aju"? and her favorite Happy You? or Lompat si katak lompat? and who's gonna catch her when she jumps off the table? Who's gonna bawak her mandi kolam?. Her MakYah is too old to play with her, let alone to listen to Nurin's every need. I heard myself when Nurin was scolded for throwing her food on the floor. But here, we let Nurin play with anything. and everything. (with guidance of course.)

She's been my shadow, for following me around. Jemur kain pon nak ikut. (One day I had to tiptoe into the kitchen so she wouldnt hear me. but she did. and when i hid behind the kitchen door, she managed to find me.)

My parrot, for copying everything i say and do. I called Abah to makan, she copied and went, " Abah, Akannnn!,".

My little helper. Bila malas nak amik something, i'll ask Nurin to get it for me. Benda senang-senang la, like naufal's feeding bottle, the key, and suruh Nurin kutip her toys. She's very rajin to help! Bagus... Oh yea, she likes to buang sampah.

Nurin likes to play with the tap. I remembered one day, when i was doing the dishes, She came to me, wanting to wash her hands. I picked her up and she played with the water sampai basah baju. So i asked Along to change her outift, and i continued with the dishes. Nurin came back, and she wanted to wash her hands again. I told her that she'd just washed her hands. Dissapointed, she left. And came back with Naufal's empty bottle and said she wanted to wash it. A bright girl. Finding a reason to play with water.

Another funny story. I went in Mama's room to get her credit card. I checked where Nurin was. ( She likes to play with Mama's cream so I didnt want her to follow me in) She was quite far from me, distracted by the advert on TV. So i sneaked in quietly, get the card, and left the room, closing the door behind me. That's when i realised Nurin was not in front of the Tv anymore. I called her name, and i heard a little voice calling my name. And guess where it came from. Yes. Mama's room. I left her in there. When i didnt even realise that she followed me in! I opened the door, and there she was, giggling at me.

Nurin cant stand the sight of me taking a nap on the couch. She would take her toys and put on my tummy and play with them, yup on my tummy. Her truck went on me once. Oh yea when i almost dozed off, she'd scream at me saying she wanted to mandi kolam. Even when i was taking the shower, (i dont quick shower, that is) she'd call my name from outside my bathroom door and waited until i come out. Kesian dia.

That's when i knew instantly that i am her best friend. Ever.

One day she slept too early ( at 8.30pm) that she woke up at 1 am, and Along couldnt make her go to bed again. Naufal was awake too, wanting to be fed.Luckily all three of us, Mimie, Uyuun and myself hadnt sleep yet, so we took turns to play with Nurin. I played with her the most coz Mimie had to work in the morning. I was eating Super ring and she ate some as well (Abis la kalau papa dia tau kene marah). We played until i couldnt bear to keep my eyes open. at 3 am. She played with the keys, remote control, playing like it was noon. i almost dozed off on the couch when Nurin came to me with the TV's remote control. She had pressed the video button. One moment she stood still. i knew she was sleepy. I was relieved. (What do you expect? It was close to 4am for goodness' sake).

One day before they left, I lost my magic touch. ( I have this magic touch that can make Naufal sleep. it's the way i rock him to sleep) I couldnt rock Naufal to sleep. He would cry and scream out loud. Along couldnt rock Naufal because Nurin hasnt sleep yet. Along had to tidurkan Nurin first, then baru boleh tidur kan Naufal. Usually i would tidurkan Naufal but that night, i couldnt. So Along had to take Naufal. And i had to tidurkan Nurin. Tough job. I had to make her baring, and keep her baring. So i went asking her to count how many sheep there was on her pillow, and count her fingers and toes. Sing to her favorite lullabies (not exactly lullabies la but the rhymes that she likes) I had to repeat the rhymes as many times as she asked. I told Nurin her favorite bedtime story, Mama's make-believe 'Kambing jumpa Lembu'. There were so many version of it that Along had her version,Mimie had hers, and i created my version. And later, she slept.

I learned that on the day she got to Terengganu, she was quiet. She didnt talk to anyone but Mama, Abah and Along. All her cousins came to her and hugged her. But she didnt react to any of them. Maybe she was confused, why she was back there. What happened to umah Opah. She didnt even react to her Makyah's calling. Maybe she's wondering, where's her truck? and Her bola, and Kolam? Bilik Opah? Bilik Alang? Bilik Mama? Bilik Angah?

Oh God i miss Nurin SOOOO much.

Along texted me the other day. Nurin asked her mama for 'Alang'. Along had to lie to her, and told her "Alang pegi keje,". I wept in front of Ilyas coz i couldnt hold it back.

I have yet to sing to Nurin on the phone. I will do that one day, let's just hope i wont sebak. It was very hard to bond with Nurin previously. She was too attached to the other side of the family. Now that we had built this bond, i hope she wont forget me, US.

After all, who would she does all the fun stuff with, if not her Auntie Mimie, Auntie Uyuun and especially her Auntie Alang?

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The Bedtime Story

It's 0018 hours. I usually had dozed off at this time. Yeah. Seriously. Julian was always mad at me for hitting the bed at this time. So does Azera. "Tak remaja," she claimed.

I was once nocturnal. But i changed my style. I used to be afraid of dreaming. Dreams that i dont want to be dreaming. Ever. Waking up to a bad dream is the real nightmare to me. I would wake up having tears running down my eyes after a bad dream. But it was only a dream. I wouldnt want to believe a bad dream. Thats why i have no trouble sleeping anymore. Dreams are just dreams. It's all in your head. You control it.

So I chose to control it.

I read once that your dream reflects the things that you think about the minutes before you doze off. It does makes sense.

The things i fear most about someone, it happened in my dreams. Because, i kept thinking about it. It wouldnt slip in my dreams if i dont think about it.

For once, I want to be able to think about myself. Nobody else but me. Yeah, selfish you must say. So what? I'm done taking care of other people's heart. When all you get in return is... nothing but hatred.

I didnt ask to be repaid. I just want to be remembered. For my good deed. I want to be appreciated as someone with a warm heart. That's all. At the very least. Is that too much to ask?

Only God know how i feel. Sometimes, words cant describe this feeling i have inside. The voice within. I dont know how people would want to take the short-cut to end their sufferings, but being a Muslim, I believe God has more things coming my way, and everything that happens, happens for a reason. It's just a message that i need to figure out, before it's too late.

But then again, it's all written in my book of life. I'm just praying for the best.

Okay, enough with the heart-spilling already. Need to hit the sack. Cant wait to see Nurin in the morning. It's her final week here, so every minute is precious. I hate the fact that she's leaving.She's definitely a mood lifter.

Nite people.

Friday, August 11, 2006

The inside of me

It's way past my usual bedtime but caffeine kept me wide awake. plus this mind of mine wonders about so many things..

Anyway, I was in the middle of a conversation with a friend, discussing nothing-serious matter with him;

Why cant we have things come our way, the exact way we want it to be? Why do we need to work our way through? They say you can do anything if you put your mind into it. Well, i did put my mind into it, but that doesnt help, either!

Is it really true that if you're the daughter/son of a somebody, you can get anything you want by the snap of your fingers? Oh yeah if you're one spoilt brat. Cause i know a friend who is somebody's daughter, yet she doesnt brag about what cool stuff/gadgets she get. But still i'm sure it wasnt hard for her to talk her dad into buying stuff for her.

Back to our discussion.

About work. Away from home. Just me. Alone. New things. New place to stay. New community.

I've always wanted to be away from home. Distractions are too close to home. I need to run away. But thinking about staying far far away from home, is indeed creepy. And very very challenging.

But i needed that change.

What happened to Norul Ushna who told her two interviewers that she can adapt to any given situation?

I dont take risks, unless i really need to. Sometimes, I dont get quite as far as where i wanted. I wasnt independent, until recently. I wasnt tough, until recently. I'm sick and tired of doing things out of desperation. I seriously dont want to regret my whole life by doing the things that i dont favor in life.

They say, if you're really up for something, and very determined, taking risks are not a problem for you. And thats who i want to be, a risk taker. i want to be able to do things. If there's a line, i want to be first in line.

Which before i'm not.

The cry-baby, sensitive. Dependent. Scaredy Cat. And i dont believe in myself, period.

But i'm beginning to face my fears. Fear factor. The fear of not being loved, the fear of.. ohh so many things. And those small little things that i couldn't do, i can do it now.

One thing's for sure, i'll keep setting the bar higher and higher. And i don't have to apologize, for being my true self.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

The Voice Within..

we dont freaking care

I love doing new things, even if i'm not good at them. So what if i'm not perfect? I always give my best shot and i'm not afraid of failing because i know i'll always bounce back to try again. And that's why i think our story will never quite be finished. The rest is up to you, really.

Friday, August 4, 2006

The busy bee

Havent blogged for such a long time... i've been busy these few days. Handling Nurin Zahirah Husna,being the honorable family's driver, and such. (yeah..am still unemployed). I wouldn't have time to blog, especially when i'm the only one at home with the kudrat to handle Nurin Zahirah Husna. Herself and those little feet. Always "ape ni","ape tu", and empat seems to be her favorite number. (Ask her how many of something, her answer will always be empat) . So since her Papa is here, I can rest la. Surely her papa wants to spend some quality time with Nurin and Naufal.

A little update of what i've been up to these days;

  • My days start as early as 0830 hours daily.
  • I bruised myself the other day sebab mengejar Nurin. To get her wear her diaper is one challenging exercise.
  • Went to catch PCD in action at Sunway Lagoon's Surf Beach. Damn Nicole is HOT! She's blazing!~
  • Had an interview with iPerintis on Friday. (Second interview in two weeks time)
  • Taught Nurin a lot of words.. (the right way to say things..she's a parrot, so she listens)
  • Became Nurin's best companion.. ( Auntie yang sangat rajin melayan )
Thats about it, i guess.. the rest, let it be my story. The story that will only be inside me, and only i know.

You know, I've been through a lot of shits in life, that i can write a book about it.I suppose life's like that, you only see what you're made of when the going gets rough.

I regretted not being able to meet a good friend when she was in town. Things kept coming my way that i can even meet her for 1 minute! This is what you call tak ada rezeki. I've been counting days for her visit, in the end, tak ada jumpa jugak. The gathering went on without me instead. How i wish dah pindah to Puncak Perdana so we'll be closer to town and mama tak risau if we balik rumah late at nite. *sigh*

I feel like i've abandoned somebody in some way. We had this beautiful relationship/friendship or what-ever-ship, yet i've been cruel to him. It's always been me, and nothing about him. Saying things he wouldn't wanna hear, talking about crap that he couldn't care less, and many more. But being the most wonderful person that he has always been, he stood by me all the way, picking up the pieces and making me happy. I owe him a lot. I miss being with him, and the time we shared.

Owh dad came home from his longggggggg trip. Nurin almost didnt recognize her Atuk when dad got home. And the house is happy again.. *smile*

Oh them hotties

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The birthday girl and her birthday wishlist

hello, hello. I'm 23 today! ( should that be a 'yeay!' ? or dang ..?)

Well.. i don't mind being 23.. i mean.. age is just a number. But what i do mind is, what have i achieved up to this day in my life? Some people has even own a company at this age, being this CEO of a company at this age, married at this age (nah..put that aside, i'm not ready for that yet)..

anyways.. rezeki orang ada di mana-mana. maybe it's not my time yet. insya-Allah la, mine, soon to come.. so what? you get to be 23 once in your life time..so tak kesah la..

Abah left for Abu Dhabi today..and Nurin had found a new interest, the TV. Constantly switching it on and off. And following me around. My shadow. Aishh si kenit ni. I neglected her a bit today, sebab penat and confused pasal interview venue this friday. Kesian die..Will make it up to her later la... her Auntie Mimie is around, so she'll be orait la.

Celebration? A small one with the family. Without Abah. But it's okay. Abah handed me his gift before he left. =) .. hmmm..

I wished for something good to happen. Amin

So my birthday wish list? (it's too late to write it here, but this list is for someone who asked me earlier what would i want for my birthday. ok, this list is for YOU)

  • A nokia N93,
  • A Coach handbag,
  • PCD's hoodie,
  • Nine West's shoes,
  • Perlini silver's stainless steel ring, and
  • YOU, who asked me for this list.
(hehehe... Gile la.)

Sunday, July 23, 2006

The Babysitter and Nurin Zahirah Husna

Since Nurin Zahirah Husna came to stay with us along with Along and little Naufal, i can't seem to be able to rest my feet. The only time i get to rest is when Nurin sleeps. Her days starts as early as 8.00am. Nurin is so energetic!! I'm telling you chasing Nurin is one hell of an exercise routine.. One minute she's here.., one minute she's there.. one minute she'll stumble on something, one minute she'll trip and fall, one minute she'll ask you to take her see the cats, one minute she'll ask you where's her Atuk, one minute she wants her Opah, haishhh very challenging i must say.. and at the end of the say, there she sits, laughing at your crazy acts, and those stupid faces you make.

yeah, never had babies in our house before. It's really fun to have babies around. (Except the chasing bit). We have lots of doors and stairs at home, and although Abah had bought Nurin thousands of toys to play with, all she will do is throw her toys everywhere, and plays with doors, oh yea and climbs the stairs. funny thing is, if you DONT watch her, she'll just sit on the first step of the stairs; but if you DO watch her, she'll climb up to the top, knowing you'll come running after her. Which reminds me of me when i was a lil girl. Mama said i pretty much did the same. After all, we share the same last name, remember. So like Aunt like niece la.

That's Nurin Zahirah Husna, ladies and gentlemen.

Although i have a lot of 'looking out for Nurin' to do, it's back to Naufal that i love to kacau.. I can't stand looking at him sleeping peacefully. All i wanna do is wake him up and make silly faces so he'll smile. And yeah you should hear those funny noises Naufal makes everytime he feeds. Naufal doesnt cry a lot, so you'll always have to check him in his crib. (There's a myth Mama told us that it's not good for a baby boy to cry a lot, or else, his you-know-what will ermm.. hmm)

So life at home is hectic yet soothing.. yeah being the babysitter. ( i don't really look after Nurin, but when Mama wants to cook, i will take over. penat wooo) I didn't concentrate on all 3 CSIs today simply because i had to chase those little fast feet everywhere. Tiring.. And Nurin got her first bruise today. She was so excited playing hide and seek with her Auntie Uyuun that she stumbled upon a rug and hit the corner the dining chair. Ouch.

Now that Abah had left for Miri, and will be leaving for Abu Dhabi, and London in the weeks to come, I hope Nurin won't ask for her Atuk a lot. Not having her papa around is one thing, so her Atuk la selalu melayan Nurin.

So that doubles up my duty la. But its okay coz watching AF Diary is not the important TV agenda for me anymore since Lotter left. Yeah, I watch AF4. So what? Not that i'm a fanatic or anything but just that i like Lotter. I think he's charming, and funny, very very good at impersonating. He's the only reason i watch AF4. what? y'all laughing now? Go ahead. oh yeah i hope he gets voted back in. =)

It's been one hell of a day today. one coming tomorrow. and more in the weeks to come. It's a good thing Naufal hasn't got those fast feet yet, or else i might have to take livita everyday to keep up! But having those two adorables around is a good way to take my worries away.

Orait, i gotta hit the sack now. Time to recharge.. You'll never know what tomorrow has for me.. What will Nurin do tomorrow? Be prepared. Nites.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The Silent Prayer

I wish to sleep in peace tonite, and wake up to a brighter tomorrow.
May the rain wash away the haze in my sky,
and let the sun shines all day long..

I hope to smile again.


Monday, July 17, 2006

My father the Hero

" I like to mind my own business and stay home, avoiding all invitation to satan's playzone"- Que Chill

My day pretty much started as early as 8.40a.m today.. i usually get up at around 10a.m ( i don't function well before 10, fyi) Nothing really important in particular.. just the thought of my dad/pepito/abah is coming home today. (His plane was scheduled to land later tonite, but what the heck)

I really miss the old guy.. I couldn't function well without him. And he's only gone to Egypt for a week. but i really miss him.. (Once, he left for Egypt for two weeks, i cried at the airport right after he left. ) He's probably the only one guy i stay loyal to.. Boo Hoo.. yes, I'm daddy's girl, always been, always will.

Without Abah, life becomes dull, and quiet. Mama goes to bed early when Abah's away. We would miss Abah as much as Mama would.. With Abah around, we have this karaoke session almost everynight..Abah would joke around, dancing and singing, creating ridicilous-yet-entertaining dance moves.

I owe a lot to Abah.. (and Mama) especially when Abah helped 'him' to land a job at Petronas. I never thought Abah would be so eager to help. In fact Abah was the one who would check 'his' result from time to time.

I screwed up thousands of time. yes. i wasn't the teenager with a perfect teenage life. Sneaking out at nights, being at places where i shouldn't be, when both of them were fast asleep. But Abah and Mama stood by me all the way. Despite how bad the school record was. Abah and Mama were there, picking up the pieces i left. But that's not how i wanted things to be. I've always adored Abah, and really want to be like him..dedicated, courageous, determined, patient..no words can actually describe him.

Oh no, ME, on the other hand, .. dedicated? NO. determined? At times. Patient? Oh yes...Alhamdullilah. If you were to read my entries in "These are my confession", that's the other side of me, literally, that's who i am on the outside.. i'm confused most of the time. Hence I create "Like A Star", that becomes the window i would spill my heart out. The voice within..

A pretender? yes. A pretender who wants to be the contender.

But i believe in KARMA. what goes around comes around, what goes up, must come down. Just have faith and pray for the better..And God will always be by your side, guiding from right and wrong. Insya-Allah.

Okay, okay..enough already!~

Be HAPPY about ONE thing; Mi PEPITO's coming home. =))

the 3 sisters,the best pepito ever.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Like A Star

They say if you have something on your mind that's bothering you,
you write it down. There are a lot of things that's bothering me.. a whole lot!!
Since the big change in my life.. ( i should be over it by now, it's been..what? 8 months) but no..it's not as easy as I thought it would be.. one day you're fine and couldn't be bothered, and the next day it's all back in your head.. and the endless what ifs and whys..

"Why things are not coming my way?"
"If only i could go back and fix everything.."

And it's all in the mind, they said. The problem with me is that i think way too much.. yes very very unhealthy.. and very very depressing.. my only hope is that God has better things to offer for me.. Amin

Being in this "awas tapir melintas" area doesn't help either. It's making me more and more miserable.. can't do much. Seeing friends can only be done on the weekends..Everyone has their own life now..A best friend started her career two weeks ago.. Wasn't her ideal career but it's a good way to earn your first paycheck.. Others have classes to attend. So phone calls are the best remedy. (she hasn't called during lunch anymore so i guess she's doing alright)

"What about you?," they ask. "What you been up to?,"

Oh me, you ask. well.. i'm pretty much jobless. a blogger still.and a daydreamer.. *sigh*

Waiting is very agonizing. I've been to one interview with PETRONAS and i'm really counting on it. i mean there's an 80% chance that i'll land a job there but it's just a matter of availability. PETRONAS no longer employ IT grads other than their Scholars (I'm an exception to the rule, so i really need to grab this opportunity.) My 5 years of studying at Uniten goes down the drain, just like that, since the job i might land has nothing to do with IT. I really want to be in the PETRONAS family. My dad has been with PETRONAS for 30 years, both my sister and brother-in-law, and my brother are with PETRONAS too. Not to forget himself,too. I grew up with PETRONAS. i know the PETRONAS' songs by heart.

So back to this interview thing. The result will be out in 3 weeks. by then i will know where i will be posted, and stuff. Even my dad couldn't take a peek at it. Not even himself.
I have reported myself to JPA (my sponsor) . So they too will call me to report for duty anytime. So it's whichever comes first now. .*sigh*

It's at times like this i miss being with fellow activity friends, nana, azera,yaya,zura and the rest. when we were doing things like we just don't care. the late night chat at the balcony of our on-campus apartment, the futsal matches, a&w pj, karaoke session, aihhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
need to gather friends back la..

O yeah.. before i forgot.. say hello to the latest addition to my family, the adorable little Mohd Zahirul Naufal, my nephew. I have yet to see him, but i will on Thursday. My sister will be here for a month. And just like a star,he's another reason to smile =)

btw the picture, from left to right: Nurin,mom,Naufal