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Friday, August 11, 2006

The inside of me

It's way past my usual bedtime but caffeine kept me wide awake. plus this mind of mine wonders about so many things..

Anyway, I was in the middle of a conversation with a friend, discussing nothing-serious matter with him;

Why cant we have things come our way, the exact way we want it to be? Why do we need to work our way through? They say you can do anything if you put your mind into it. Well, i did put my mind into it, but that doesnt help, either!

Is it really true that if you're the daughter/son of a somebody, you can get anything you want by the snap of your fingers? Oh yeah if you're one spoilt brat. Cause i know a friend who is somebody's daughter, yet she doesnt brag about what cool stuff/gadgets she get. But still i'm sure it wasnt hard for her to talk her dad into buying stuff for her.

Back to our discussion.

About work. Away from home. Just me. Alone. New things. New place to stay. New community.

I've always wanted to be away from home. Distractions are too close to home. I need to run away. But thinking about staying far far away from home, is indeed creepy. And very very challenging.

But i needed that change.

What happened to Norul Ushna who told her two interviewers that she can adapt to any given situation?

I dont take risks, unless i really need to. Sometimes, I dont get quite as far as where i wanted. I wasnt independent, until recently. I wasnt tough, until recently. I'm sick and tired of doing things out of desperation. I seriously dont want to regret my whole life by doing the things that i dont favor in life.

They say, if you're really up for something, and very determined, taking risks are not a problem for you. And thats who i want to be, a risk taker. i want to be able to do things. If there's a line, i want to be first in line.

Which before i'm not.

The cry-baby, sensitive. Dependent. Scaredy Cat. And i dont believe in myself, period.

But i'm beginning to face my fears. Fear factor. The fear of not being loved, the fear of.. ohh so many things. And those small little things that i couldn't do, i can do it now.

One thing's for sure, i'll keep setting the bar higher and higher. And i don't have to apologize, for being my true self.

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